EuGene Jordan

EuGene Jordan

A successful business man I know once shared with me an experience he had as a student. He explained that whilst he was studying he needed to be able to have money in his pocket, however, it's was hard to come across a student who isn't hard up for cash (not much seems to have changed these days). Anyway. He went on to tell me about his cheque guarantee card and how it worked. This cheque guarantee card would allow him to go into any shop, write a cheque out to 'Cash' and he would be given cash in return for his cheque. As his cheque guarantee card was guaranteed and honoured up to the value of £50, he would continue to do this multiple time. Safe to say he ended up withdrawing way more than he had actually paid into his account.
 
The Bank ended up writing numerous letters to him to try and resolve the situation as he had now gone overdrawn and started to avoid the letters and bury his head in the sand until one day the manager of the bank eventually caught up with him and gave him some valuable advice. The bank manager said "Look I'm not silly. I know you're a student and I know you’re going to go overdrawn every now and then. Your account may not always be in perfect order, however, when we try to contact you, you must communicate back with us. Without an open line of communication, it's almost impossible to resolve issues when they arise, which they will." 
 
WOW! This story resounded through my head more than this man knew. It got me thinking. I've been a child before and just as the bank manager knew not everyone who banked with him would have perfect accounts, I should know all too well not every child I’m fortunate to raise will be perfect. In fact, I can almost guarantee that none of them will be as we all know there's no such thing as a perfect child. Knowing this inevitable fact, I wondered how a father could take this approach with his children. Allowing them to have clear lines of communications to help them navigate through what is almost guaranteed to present some difficult and challenging periods of their life.  As it is currently the end of the school year and the summer holidays are upon us, it seemed appropriate to share just 5 simple, yet practical ways us as fathers and father-figures can create a more open path of communication with our children.
 
 

Talk Regularly

Communication all starts with opening your mouth and actually speaking. Talking with your child is not just about giving them instructions, it’s having a two-way conversation. Try asking your child about how their day was. Tell them about yours. When I first started my sales career I was told that the thing people talk about most is themselves. So this is a great conversation starter. Never accept "It was alright!" as a sole response to the question "How was your day?" It's easy to leave it at that and say "well I tried to find out about their day." Probe! Dig a bit deeper and let them know that you care, you're interested and you want to know more. When I ask my daughter this question and she responds with "It was good!" I follow it up with "That’s good. Tell me, what was good about your day?" and bang I’m in there. All of a sudden, we are talking. You’ll find that if you do this daily your child may even begin to instigate the conversation them self!
 
 
 

Be Open and Transparent

My dad used to share snippets about his past with me all the time. When I was young I used to get in numerous fights in and out of school. My father would tell me about the trouble  he used to get into when he was young, but would never tell about his past without sharing why he had done what he did, and how he eventually distanced himself from his troublesome ways. I know through conversations with my father he would only fight if there was something to fight for and if he could avoid it then he would. There is a saying that says “Trouble follows trouble” and my father would be transparent in showing me how he had to avoid trouble. This helped me understand that if I wanted to get out of the situation I kept on finding myself in, all I would need to do is follow some of the things my father had already done.The fact of the matter is that you can’t just expect your child to be open and honest with you if you won't do the same with them. Tell them a bit about your life and highlight the parts where you are both alike and share how you managed in similar situations.  
 
 
 

Give Practical Advice

Most children generally only ask for advice when they’re in need of an instant fix! They don’t want to know the workings out, they just want the answers. The truth is that not all children can handle being given the complete answer all at once. Drip feeding the answers piecemeal so your child can digest it fully may be the best method. There will be a bunch of skills that you need to teach your child to allow them to be fully equipped for whatever situation they are going through.  It’s the age old ‘wax on wax off’ trick. My father would never give me the whole answer. He would give me practical things to do that would either put me on a journey to finding the answer to my problem by myself or would prepare me for the next bit of advice. It's the "wax on wax off" trick.Let’s be honest! You're not always going to be able to give practical advice off the cuff, right in that moment, however, you will need to find the answers as they are looking to us as fathers to give them the insight they need to progress in life. We are in an age where answers are at our finger tips so Google it! Someone else in the world is either currently going through the same thing or has gone through it... whatever "it" is. You’ll need to find the answers because if you don't, then someone else will and that doesn't always work out well
 
 
 

Guide Them

At every stage in our lives, we've all need a bit of guidance. The simple fact that most people nowadays drive with SatNav, is a visual indication that we all need a bit of direction when venturing on new paths in our lives. We tell the SatNav our desired destination and it works out the best route for us. If a wrong turn has been taken you may start to hear it telling you "Re-routing! Re-routing!" Just like the SavNat, fathers need the ability to listen to where his child wants to go in life, give them direction and be ready to use a re-route plan if they start to deviate from the planned route.You cannot guide someone if you have no idea as to where they want to go. A father who finds out where his child sees themselves in 5, 10, 20 years from now is going to give himself a good starting point. As a father myself and after interviewing other fathers, I know that if I don't find out where my child sees herself years from now, as a starting point I may have a battle on my hands trying to direct her later on in life. I would find myself guiding her in a direction she could possibly be resistant to as she never wanted to go in that direction in the first place. As a father, once you know where your child wants to be, it will be a worthwhile investment of your time to research what kind of support they will need to fulfil their future goals. Finding out what they will need will help you understand how you fit in to making that become a reality.
 
 
 

Do As I Do

Our actions speak far louder than our words will ever be able to. We can sometimes get frustrated with our kids for not doing as we have told them to do, however, what we are really telling them with our actions is that it's ok because we're doing it too! Ultimately our children will only imitate the lives they're exposed to. I was often told as a child to “Do as I say” instead of “Do as I do” and it just feels natural to repeat this now that I have a child and be ok with this statement, however… the thing is, we can easily get into the habit of telling our kids this when in fact what our kids need is our “example” much more than our “instruction”. We can’t tell them not to do something when we’re doing the very same thing in front of them. We’ve got to practice what we preach in order to gain long-term credibility with our children. 

By creating a line of communication that is open, transparent and honest, you'll be able to develop a level of trust which has a huge impact on your child's life. This acts as the cement that firmly bonds a strong relationship between father and child.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?

I've simply listed 5 ways to build communication with your child but what other ways do you communicate with your child?

As my wife and I hit the 7 year marker in our marriage I wanted to take a moment to reflect and share 7 things that I have learnt about marriage over the last 7 years of our journey.


1. My mother can no longer be the main woman in my life

I learnt this one pretty early on. To be precise it was on a Thursday evening at the dress rehearsal of my wedding.

That was the day that I realised that some of the choices I make and some of the requests that my wife will ask of me will not always be in line with what my mother wants. I learnt that day that I need to stand my ground and defend the wishes of my wife over my mothers wishes. This wasn't an easy thing to do. I could see that my mother was frustrated at the fact that I would not do as she had asked as it went against what my wife and I had already agreed on and planned.

My mum won't mind me sharing this as it happened over 7 years ago and she has forgiven me (and I have forgiven you too mum).

Picture this. We're in the church being told by the minister what to expect from our big day whilst he ran everyone through the order of things to come during the service. The minister asked me, "Who will be taking pictures with us as we sign the register?" And I requested that it would just be the best man and the chief brides maid. My mother however had other ideas and decided to vocalise them at that point.

Now my wife and I had already planned what was going to be happening on this day and so it was my duty to stick by that, no matter who decided to contend it. To cut a long story short, that night I had to go back and forth in a very public verbal debate with the woman who birthed me and make a stand for what my wife and I wanted. Did I end up getting a backhander for it... Actually I did! Right outside the church, but sometimes that's the price you pay for standing by your woman. 

 

2. Marriage is far more than just a couple of love birds

Bill Withers wrote a song called 'Just The Two Of Us' but I have found that in many cases marriage can sometimes be anything but that. 

Take my mother-in-law for example. In the early days, if my mother in-law called our house phone I would have thought to myself "I'll have a quick chat, go through the normal formalities when you answer the phone and then pass the call on to her daughter" after all, that is who she was calling for... right? Wrong! My actual phone calls with my mother in-law are nothing like this. In fact sometimes I think she is calling to speak with her daughter but in fact she has just called to check in with me.

My wife also spends a lot of time speaking with my mother and father too. She often finds things out about my family that I never even knew. The new information she is given is based off of her personal relationship and time spent with them.

Over the years this has highlighted the importance of building my own personal relationship with my wife's side of the family. And even though these extended relationships were originally founded on my connection with my wife, they are now based on far more. I now share my own experiences and stories with my wife's side of the family.

It's hard to call someone family just based on a certificate that was signed on your wedding day, however integrating into her family and making your own connections will earn you the title of Son, Brother, "Cuz" or even be referred to as a Family member.

I couldn't imagine my sister-in-law introducing me to someone as her "sister's husband" or her "niece's dad" because I'm more than that. I am now her brother!


3. Everything is said in love (even the stuff you don't want to hear)

'It's not what you said, it's how you said it.' Ever heard this before? Well I have learnt that when you're married you will not always hear the stuff you want to hear. Sometimes you may already be hearing the things you need to hear but are unable to take it in properly because of how it was packaged or how it was said.

I have learnt that sometimes I need to look beyond how things are being said and look at the content of what is being communicated. This is where the important information is. Most of the time this information is being shared with me because it's for the betterment of our relationship.

If I'm honest, in real life, feedback will not always sound lovely and be packaged how we would prefer to hear it. Whilst we can't always dictate emotions or control the way people feel the need to express themselves, it is important to know that it's all said in love.


4. How to nip it in the bud with thirsty women

I remember one night when my wife and I were at a bar in London. This was wayyyy before we were married, when I was young and lacked life experience.

Anyway. We were listening to this poet do his thing and when he finished everyone clapped and as I am sitting down with my hand resting on the back of an empty chair I started to feel this hand rubbing my hand. This lady must have been in her 30's and I had just left my teens. I didn't quite know what to do so I froze, but my then girlfriend just watched me to see what my response would be.

Safe to say me not responding at all was NOT the best response, as I still hear about this story till this very day almost a decade on! I never want to add anything to the list of dumb moves I've made, so now I nip it in the bud as soon as I get the slightest inappropriate approach to me.

So now, when I can see a female who is a little thirsty, I make it very clear... DO NOT Hun, Honey or Babe me. You may well call everyone else that but I don't want to hear it!! In fact don't even put an 'xx' in any private messages you're sending to me.

Whilst I'm on the topic, what is it with guys sending guys an 'x' at the end of a text?? I just don't get it. I'll save that for another blog. lol!


5. Telling the truth is not the same as being honest

Telling the truth requires someone asking you a series of questions and you answering them truthfully. Whilst I have always been truthful, I haven't always been honest.

Being honest displays the use of free will to openly tell the truth without being probed for it. I use to think that my wife was crazy when she would ask me a question, I'd answer truthfully and then she would have the cheek to turn around and say 'Why can't you just be honest.' As a man, it can be difficult to be 'open and honest' as I have always been happy to share, but only if asked.

I now understand that being proactive and forthcoming with information means that there are a lot less questions and it changes what could have felt like the "spanish inquisition" into a pleasant conversation.


6. Kids change everything

There is nothing that I'm more thankful for than my wife and my daughter and there is nothing in this world (apart from an Aston Martin DB9) that I would trade them in for.

But seriously, if and when you have children, a lot of planning will have to be done if you want to spend any quality time with your wife. When it was just the 2 of us, you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted... Where ever you wanted (Wink Wink).

Before we had our daughter we didn't have to plan a thing. If we wanted to go out spur of the moment, then we could. But when you have a child you need to become a master of planning and prioritising.

Spending quality time with the Mrs will not always just happen because sometimes having a child can keep you preoccupied. This meant learning how to make time for each other. It's a bit like spinning plates. You can't take your eye off any of the plates, you need to pay attention to them all and spin at the right times or else you'll end up with broken dishes.


7. It's important to keep falling in love

I'm no longer married to the woman I first met. Nor is she married to the man she first met.

As the years have gone by, our likes, dislikes, characters and personalities have changed. We are no longer the people we met when we were in our teens. Some of the foundations are still the same but this means that we needed to keep an eye on who we are becoming as we evolve as individuals and together as a couple.

Fundamentally this means that we need to keep on falling in love with who our spouse is in the present. If you don't keep touching base by talking about things other than work and kids, then we tend to miss who we have become.

Coming to the realisation that with all of the distractions life can throw, it's quite possible to fall out of love. Making sure you discover and rediscover more about who your partner is as an individual can help to build a better understanding of each other as a whole, keep things fresh and keep the flame burning.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS

Can you relate to any of the lessons I have learnt over the past 7 years?

What lessons has marriage taught you?

Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Be Social!

 

As a kid I use to take dance classes, play chess and have piano lessons... I mainly hung out with females, enjoyed creative art and to top it off the Disney classic 'Beauty and the Beast' was ranked as one of my favourite films. 

I have vivid memories of spending most of my free time with my eldest sister Selene, or in the school holidays I would be around two of my older female cousins. 

You can probably see a pattern here! It would appear that I felt far more comfortable around the presence of females. But why!? I grew up with a family where the large majority were male! Well, I can only put it down to the fact that there was a bigger age gap between myself and some of the other guys in my family. So naturally I found myself by default of age, hanging out with the girls in my family. Interestingly enough my love for singing, dancing, Disney and the company of girls did not seem to be a concern with my father and I have no memory of the question of manliness ever being raised during this time of my life.  

So... when and how did this change? 

Well I can't tell you when but I know for sure what started the change. I took a big interest in karate and kung fu when I saw an old handyman/martial arts master agree to teach a bullied boy karate. Taking the time to show him that there was more to martial arts than just fighting. You guessed it! The Karate Kid changed my life!!  

Now, I must have missed the message of this film because I thought it was just about fighting? So, naturally as boys do... They act out what they see on TV in real life. I started getting into fights at school and began to win the praise of other males in my year group. 

'The Karate Kid' progressed to 'Power Rangers'. I graduated from 'Power Ranger' and started watching Manga films and was hooked. At the impressionable age of 10 I found myself staying up until about 2am on a school night waiting for 'The Legend of the Four Kings' to come on TV (life before the internet) which lead me to 'Guyver' before finally being sucked into the popular video game Tekken. Once I had become immersed in these kind of movies, I found myself starting to act out all the moves I had memorised literally everywhere I would go. It was shortly after this when I saw my circle of male friends begin to increase. 

All of a sudden I had gone from being 'too young' to hang out with, to being accepted by my older male cousins. I was now in a position where I could also get my 2 younger brothers involved as well. I was soon faced with a classic conundrum; I found myself frequently getting into trouble at school, however I was simultaneously receiving praise and respect from my peers. You can see the dilemma that I was in. 

What would any young boy choose at the age of 10? The encouragement from an educational system or the praise of their peers? Fast forward a few years and the story continues! 

I was stuck in what was commonly known as the social norm of masculinity. I'm still into fighting, but now I'm also following the other guys by bragging about things that I had never actually done with women. I was taking things that did not belong to me, rebelling in school and now "trying" to rebel in my home! I say trying because my mum and dad were not the kind of parents that you wanted to make a fool of. Let's just say that my parents were firm believers of the theory that if "one does not hear, then one must feel". 

I started going to the gym, dating girls and began to earn my own money. And just like every other adolescent boy, I spent all my money on the good stuff!  Buying clothes, gadgets for my car and entertainment not to mention the boost I'd get every time I bought alcohol and cigarettes over the counter, without even getting asked for ID. I'm a man right? Errrr....Wrong! 

I had a curfew! My dad had to call me to make sure that I was not late home. He even put a 1 minute rule in place to teach me not to be late. If I was 1 minute late (By his watch only) I would be fined £50. I had to be told to clean my room and my college often called my mum to ask why I wasn't at my classes. How could I be a man?  

You see although I thought I was a man because I started growing a beard and was getting a little taste of the world, I still had to be told what to do because I wasn't doing it off of my own free will. The problem wasn't that I wasn't doing the things that I was meant to be doing. The problem was that I always had to be asked to do them. 
So the truth of the matter is, that I only started my journey into manhood once my eldest brother Clinton began to invite me into his world to hang out with him. I had the opportunity of spending a few years working with my brother, whilst I journeyed with him on some of his business ventures. He allowed me to see what a husband, father, brother and businessman wrapped up in a young man looked like. 

Some would say "both your parents run their own businesses, so why didn't you learn this from them?" And the truth is that subconsciously I learnt a lot from my father but it was reinforced again in my late teens by my brother. So the concept of being a provider, taking care of your wife and spending time with your children was not foreign to me, but it became easier to see as an outsider looking in on someone else's family. 

It wasn't until I entered into my first and last serious relationship that I realised that I had a lot of work to do. I started mingling with older people and noticed that most had a career path or a dream that they were chasing. I got a full time job and started working on my goals; some worked, some didn't! But trial and error is all a part of life. This new path helped me see the benefits of taking the time to get my dreams out of my head and begin a pursuit that would see them become a part of my reality. 

It didn't take long for me to realise that what I wanted out of life required a 'different me'. I started chipping away the things that I didn't need in life like computer games, deadweight friends (who did not have my best interests at heart), started focusing my efforts on developing life skills that may impact my life in the long term, which had a lot to do with self discipline. 

Some would say that you become a man when you have sex for the first time, have your first fight, start puberty, turn 18, get your first job, start driving or have your first little girl and I'm sure opinions will differ but I believe you become a man when you accept that who you are is a very fluid concept that should be under constant development. 

I believe we become men once we begin to embrace a greater sense of purpose outside of ourselves. That moment when we realise that our optimal role in life is not actually centered around fulfilling our own needs as a matter of priority. It becomes less about what we have and more about what we have to give. It's less about the quality of our presents and more about the value of our presence. It's less about the position and titles we gain and more about the example we lead. 

I'm thankful to have had role models in my life such as my father and brother, who were thoughtful enough to have paved a way that highly influenced pivotal changes within my life for the better. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same for someone else. 

YOUR THOUGHTS   

When do you believe a boy becomes a man?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Be Social!

You haven't said or done anything yet but for some reason, they do not like you! That's right. You worked you butt off to get the girl of your dreams and your relationship status has been upgraded, however, you now face a new challenge. Her parents. Your potential in-law has their backs up from the get go (rightly so) but this is where you are required to show what you're made of. See it from their viewpoint. You may become a regular attendee at their family events. They may have to introduce you to their friends as their daughter husband... their son-in-law. You could even become the father of their grandchildren. This is a big deal for them. If your family's circle joins into their family's circle, they'll form a chain and in the words of Robert De Niro "you can't have a chink in the chain." Her parents ultimately want to make sure that you are worthy of having their daughter and they need to make sure that you're not the chink in their chain. Now that you've been armed with that background information lets look at a few tips to ensure you're winning them over the in-laws by being proactive in building a solid genuine relationship with them.

 

Be Interested 

I can't claim to of had a 'bad relationship' with my in-laws however there were some walls that needed to be broken down in order to create a more conducive environment to build a better relationship than we first had.  To be completely honest when I first met my then future mother-in-law, I wasn't as ‘clued up’ or as confident as I am today. My lack of self-confidence allowed her lack of interest to leave me feeling like a dear in headlights. I was usually loved by previous girlfriends parents so this was a first for me. For the first time in my life, someone’s mother did not instantly take a liking to me and boy was that a shock to my system. At that time I couldn't find common topics of discussion that I could share with her so conversation was awkward at first. Thankfully, I now have many shared interests with my mother-in-law, however, I know how hard the process can be to get to this place.  

My father has always spoken highly of a book called "how to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie who said, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” With this in mind, I would like to think that the same rule applies for our in-laws also. Spend time with them socially and get acquainted with them as people. Find out what they're interested in and take it from there.  It may be sports, politics, TV  or even religion... whatever it is, use that as a place to start from to get them engaged in a conversation with you. Failing that you can always talk about something that you are guaranteed to have an invested interest in... the woman you're with. Keep in mind that the worst thing you could do is get them to invest their time by having a conversation with you for you to neglect the importance of retaining the information that they share with you. The retention of this information is all part of the "Being Interested" process. If your in-laws have to keep on telling you the same stories, same likes and dislikes or simply regurgitate the same conversations with you every time you meet then it shows a lack of progression and displays lack of interest as you have not been able to retain parts of their life that they have openly shared with you. Stop trying to be interesting and start being interested. 

 

Be Thick Skinned

I shared in a recent podcast recorded with my Lost and Found bros that for a long while before I was married I didn't know what to call my wife's mother. I would have thoughts like:  

  • Do I jump the gun and call her mum? No! Way to forward!  
  • Do I call her by her first name, Sonia? No way! My parents brought me up to call my friends parents and other elders by their surname as a sign of respect.  
  • "….Miss?" No! It's not school!  

I'm not sure that anyone will be able to relate to my unique dilemma.  

I asked my wife "what I should call her mother" and in an attempt to be as difficult as she could be her answer was the same every time! "Ask her yourself!" (The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree) So one day, out of the blue I grew a pair and just asked her.  

"I've been trying to find ways around this for a while but I really need to know how you would like me to address you?" 

 I'm thinking, "Man! You nailed that Gene! You were confident, strong, and now this hurdle is over with!" How wrong was I?! My then girlfriend's mother responded with, and I quote... "Princes Sonia!" 

Was my future mother-in-law being extremely difficult? 100%.  But in my simple process of finding out how to address her, I was able to discover that I would have to be thick skinned because my true intentions were about to be tested and not because she didn't like me, but, because she didn't know the man who was looking to be more than just friends with her daughter. Some of the things that she did during my pursuit of her daughter did not make much sense to me at the time, however, on reflection I see that it was her job to find out who I really was and in that process her words may be harsh, stern among other things but having thick skin would see me through the process. Being thick skinned proves to her parents that if you can  

 

Be The Optimist  

It's hard to remain positive and have hope for a fruitful relationship when your in-laws only ever display a resistance to moving forward together, however, it's important that you hang in there. There is a famous quote that says "Enthusiasm is contagious and so is the lack of it." This principle can also be applied to a positive mindset. It's the battle of positive VS negative and one way or another there has to be a winner. Either you win the in-laws over by remaining positive or their cold shoulder pulls you over to have a negative perspective on the relationship with them. Remember that any negative feelings your in-laws may have towards you are merely temporary. Don’t let temporary feelings derail your positivity. Most parents will intentionally put you through the mill and give you a hard time just to see if you have what it takes. So be the optimist! My mother-in-law put me through it when I expressed an interest in her daughter, but, I won her over in the end. Just got to be optimistic that all that hard work will pay off in the long run. 

 

Be Consistent

Consistency is a great trait to have and is one that we should all be consistently working on cultivating regardless of our relationship status. In many areas of our life, it's deemed as the number one strategy for achieving anything goal. So whether it's your body, business, spirituality, relationships and even connecting with the in-laws, our consistency trumps all. It establishes our reputation and maintains our key message. Hopefully, that message is a message of trust, love and protection for their daughter. Being realistic is also key because the reality is that you're probably not going to be able to be consistent 100% of the time. We are human so you need to be okay with making mistakes and occasionally getting lax about your consistent habits. When we learn to be consistent in whatever we do when are then able to build trust and confidence because people can vouch for what we do consistently. If we are consistently working towards building a better relationship with the in-laws and are consistently working in the best interest of their daughter then it will help build a stronger connection between you and your partner's parents.  

 

Be Authentic

I have found that being who we are is one of the only things we are guaranteed to do with any true level of consistency. It's our default setting, however, in a world where we're often liked based on a social façade, authenticity can be swallowed by our innate desire to be accepted and belong. If you are not your authentic self from the get-go and pretend to be something or someone you're not, well, you're going to be in for a tough ride trying to keep it up. When we are not true to who we are what we're actually saying is that the real me is not good enough for anyone to get to know. Lying about who we are, ultimately denies our future in-laws the chance to come to accept us for who we are. Our Lies change, but the truth doesn’t. Keep in mind that a good parents job is to test the character of any potential candidate looking to sweep their daughter away. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to keep up the appearances. If your actions do not line up with the things you say then there will be a visible display of your inconsistency and inauthentic nature. Be authentic and give her parents the opportunity to like you for who you are... or not (be prepared for that bombshell too. Lol!). 

 

This article heavily leans towards presenting the benefits from or a parent's perspective, however, "winning" parents over has massive benefits for us men too. A psychologist and research professor; Terri Orbuch started her study in 1986 and found that men who have close relationships with their wife's parents decrease the risk of divorce in their own marriage by 20%. Now I'm no gambling man but those odds are worth making an effort for.  

What special efforts have you made in order to forge a relationship and win an in-law? Leave your comment below and share this article with a friend!.

Pull out her chair, stand up when greeting her and walk her to the door at the end of a date. These are just a few standard tips that most men were taught from a young age. As I have grown older however, I've discovered that whilst these surface level acts of 'respect' are a great starting point for every man to learn, there are a few other ways to ensure you're treating your woman with respect. So without any further ado, here's 5 ways to ensure you're treating your lady with respect.

 

1. Know when to leave her place

There is nothing more awkward than overhearing your partner being told by either her parents or someone over the phone that it may be a bit too late for you to be over and the time has come for you to leave their house, as you anticipate their message being relayed back to you as if it were the first time you'd heard it. lol! My father always advised me to make sure that I never had to be asked to leave a girlfriends house. "10pm is a good marker" my dad would always say.  So as I was growing up, if I ever saw that it was coming up to 10pm then I knew that it was time to start wrapping up whatever I was doing and prepare to say my goodbyes. This is just one example however, having rules like this (and sticking to it) is a great, practical, outward display of respecting her boundaries. By simply overstaying your welcome, you risk sending out a bad message to her and her parents. This displays your lack of discipline, awareness , respect for her boundaries and may cause the your partner and her parents to question what other boundaries you happy to disrespect?

 

2. Support her existing commitments

It's rare to find a woman who's only desire in life is to serve your every need. Just as us men have committed to fulfilling other pursuits outside of our relationship like career goals, life long dreams and so forth, so is the case for women also. I remember when my wife and I were working within the banking industry and she had decided that she wanted to move up within the business. When she originally asked me about my thoughts I answered in haste and showed my true colours. I told her that I thought that her progression would get in-between our relationship as she would now be a Bank Manager and would have less time for me. It's not my most proudest moment and I cringe when I look back over this point in my life as I really showed my insecurities and lack of love and support. Knowing that this was her plan before she had even met me, I was still actually willing to hold her career back base on very selfish reasons that were disguised as being within both of our interest. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I may not have even asked for her thoughts on the matter and would have simply told her once I had been given the position. I recently finished a book call the Alchemist and it says "love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend" and I guess it works both ways. My wife did go on to become a successful Bank Manager. If you love someone then you will respect and support their commitments, ambitions and dreams.  

By supporting her existing commitments you are able to show that you honour and respect that there are things that she will want to do in life and that if she'd not been with you, would have accomplished. You may not directly benefit from what she has committed to however, support anyway 

 

3. Consider how you affect her emotions

It's always a strong warning signal if the girl that you are with starts feeling and acting negatively to situations now that you’re around. A good question to ask your self is: “Am I bringing the best out of her and leading her to a positive place?” or “Is my presence proving to be a destructive force in her life?” Is she drama free or did you bring the drama? 

A relationship is meant to be about 2 people who are working to build each other up to be the best that they can be however, if you start your relationship off by having a negative effect on her emotions then it will lead her down a road of resentment and a longing to go back to how things used to be… before you came on the scene. 

 

4. Be who you say you are

I heard someone say that if a man opens the car door for his women then he’s either got a new car or a new woman. Now, as much as this statement gave me a laugh, it reminded me that a lot of us men are culprits for doing this. We do our greatest impression of someone else's best and then put that on the table as our own. As if this is what we do all day every day. I discovered the hard way that this is a hard act to keep up. To be “that guy” all the time requires you to actually be "that guy". By pretending to be someone that you're not, not only do you cheat your partner out of experiencing the 'real you' but you also do yourself a disservice by building her expectations base on something that you are unable to consistently reach. This is not a true representation of who you are. 

 
By simply being who you say you are shows that you respect your woman enough to allow her the chance to make an informed decision as to if YOU really are the type of guy that she would like to be in a long term relationship with. You also display a level of confidence that says “I’m putting my cards on the table… this is me”. You’re not pretending to be someone else or trying to be type of guy that most girls go for, you’re just being you, and that's admirable. By being who you say you are, not only do you show respect for your lady but you also display a level of respect and confidence in yourself and nothing gets a woman going more than when a man has a bit of self confidence. 

 

5. Ensure that you're working to the same goals

When I first started spending time with my now wife she came out and asked me “What are you trying to get out of us spending time together because I don’t need any more friends.” Now I can’t lie I was knocked for six when I was posed with this question as I was hoping to just play it cool, let her get to know me a bit and then wait for the right moment to go for the kill. Nonetheless, I made my intentions very clear and then we had a clear goal that we were both working towards from then on, marriage. 

If I had known that she was looking for something long term however that was not a part of my plans then I would be being dishonest by leading her to believe that there was anything more than a short term fling. By knowing what each other want out of and more importantly, wish to put into the relationship, you're able to respect her invested time and feelings by having an understanding of the end goal from early on in the relationship. Once you get this out on the table then an informed choice can be made from both 

 

YOUR THOUGHTS

Do you put any check points in place to make sure you're always treating your lady with respect? Do tell!


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